If you have ever watched a Japanese romance, whether in the form of a dorama or anime, you probably noticed how the characters can be extremely shy. It is common to be in that expectation, wondering when the kiss will finally happen — and, many times, it simply does not happen. But this reserved dynamic is not exclusive to the screens: it reflects aspects of real life in Japan.
Although Japan has a relatively open culture regarding sexual matters in media and art, when it comes to romantic relationships, the situation is quite different. Japanese society can be quite conservative and discreet in expressing romantic emotions in public. Interestingly, in many cases, Japanese men tend to be even shyer than women. But it is important to remember that: not all Japanese people are the same!
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Expressions of Affection: More Gestures, Fewer Words
One of the striking characteristics of relationships in Japan is that, due to shyness, expressions of affection are not as verbal as in other cultures. Japanese people prefer to show their affection through gestures and actions. They are caring and attentive, but direct compliments are rare. This does not mean they are cold or indifferent — it is just a different way of showing feelings. Understanding this nuance can help avoid misunderstandings.
For example, instead of frequently saying “I love you,” Japanese people may show their affection by taking care of small details in daily life, such as remembering special dates or doing something practical to help their loved one. This type of subtle love may seem distant to some, but for Japanese people, actions speak louder than words.
When Do Japanese People Start Dating?
The age at which Japanese people start dating is quite relative. During childhood and adolescence, it is common for small crushes to arise, but often they do not develop into serious relationships due to the characteristic shyness of the culture. As they grow older, shyness can intensify, making it more difficult for young people to initiate relationships.
Dating starts to become more frequent during late adolescence or the transition to university. Many young people prioritize studies and personal development before thinking about romance. It is common for some people to only start dating more seriously after college. Still, Japan preserves some traditions, such as arranged marriages (known as omiai), which still occur, although they are less common nowadays.
How Do Japanese Relationships Work?
Shyness affects many aspects of relationships in Japan, including public displays of affection. Gestures like holding hands or kissing in public are still seen as something uncommon. Even in private, couples may feel uncomfortable initiating a kiss or maintaining prolonged eye contact due to embarrassment.
Communication in relationships is often indirect. Japanese people tend to use text messages, hints, and subtle cues to express feelings, hoping the other person understands without needing to say something explicitly. This approach may seem cold to those used to more direct expressions, but it is simply a cultural matter.
How Do Japanese People Start a Relationship?
Confessing feelings in Japan is not an easy task. Due to shyness, many Japanese people prefer to wait for special dates to confess their feelings, such as the end of the school year, Valentine’s Day, White Day or even Christmas (which, in Japan, is celebrated as a romantic holiday for couples). Confessions can be made in person or, in many cases, through messages or phone calls.
For dating, there is the tradition of Gōkon (合コン), which are group dates organized by friends. In these gatherings, each person brings friends of the same sex, and the group meets in restaurants or izakayas to socialize and, perhaps, form couples. Other popular options include karaoke dates or outings in parks, where participants have the chance to get to know each other better in a relaxed environment.
Intimacy in Japanese Relationships
Although shyness is a prominent trait, this does not mean that Japanese people do not have intimate relationships. Japan is famous for its themed and discreet motels, which are very popular among couples. Although society is open to discussions about sex and eroticism, intimacy is often kept secret, and some couples prefer to wait until marriage.
The issue of the lack of sexual activity among Japanese couples has even been debated in the media. Much of this phenomenon is attributed to the stress and long working hours that many face. However, it would be a mistake to believe that all Japanese people are repressed or uninterested. Japan is one of the largest consumers of erotic materials, and society is quite open about it.
Interestingly, the difficulty in establishing relationships in the real world leads some people to seek satisfaction in hobbies such as romantic games and mangas. However, excessive shyness also contributes to Japan having one of the lowest rates of sexual crimes, as many individuals do not have the courage to act inappropriately.
Relationships with Foreigners
If you are wondering whether it is possible to have a successful relationship with a Japanese person, the answer is yes! There are many cases of happy relationships between Japanese and foreigners. The idea that Japanese people are cold or prejudiced is a stereotype that does not apply to most people.
- Japanese women: Many are interested in foreigners because they tend to be more open and expressive. Research indicates that one in four Japanese women would prefer to marry a foreigner.
- Japanese men: Despite rumors that they do not like foreign women, this is not true. Shyness may give this impression, but many Japanese men are open to relationships with foreign women.
For foreigners, the charm of Japanese people lies in their sincerity, reliability, and charming shyness. Culture and respect are also characteristics that many foreigners appreciate.
A Little About the Japanese Language
To describe a bit about Japanese dating, we will also leave a list of words related to this subject, in the Japanese language.
- 恋 – Koi – Passion
- 恋人 – Koibito – Girlfriend/Boyfriend / Couple (Literally Passion + Person)
- 恋してる – koishiteru – In love
- 愛 – Ai – Love
- 愛してる – I love you – Used between couples;
- 好きです – I like you / I love you
- 彼 – Kare – He (also means boyfriend)
- 彼女 – Kanojo – She (also means girlfriend)
- 結婚 – Kekkon – Marriage
- 妻 – Tsuma – Wife
- 夫 – Otto – Husband
- ラブ – Rabu – Originated from the word Love
Tips for Dating a Japanese Person
If you are interested in dating a Japanese person, here are some tips that may help:
- Understand Japanese humor: Humor in Japan can be subtle and based on cultural contexts.
- Respect the culture: Show interest and respect for Japanese traditions and values.
- Learn the language: Even if it is just basic phrases, this can make a big difference.
- Be patient: Things may take time to happen, so go slow and steady.
- Do not create unrealistic expectations: Each person is unique, and what works in one relationship may not work in another.
Remember that relationships are complex in any culture, and not all Japanese people behave the same way. The key is to have an open mind and respect the differences.
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